I totally freaked out when I was asked to join this blogging site, fearing that I would not have the slightest clue what to write every week. I’ve been thinking and reflecting and realized that I, in fact, do have a lot to say.
It’s been almost 4 weeks since the semester started and I’m already starting to feel the pressure settling in. I don’t know why I thought taking three labs in one semester was a good idea. I guess making such decisions over the summer, when all I did was stay in the lab doing intense research, made me feel like I could take on the world. Well, I can’t, and I’m not afraid to admit it.
Everything feels so superficial now. It’s different when you are in high school, striving to get that acceptance to college just so you can make it out of the “hood.” But, what happens after that? For me, my motivation came from that drive to succeed and make it. Now that I am here, it feels as if the drive that I once had has somehow been subdued. Everyone needs something to keep them going. I thought the idea of wanting to become a doctor was enough to keep me going. Little did I know that such motivation could only last so long before all the efforts I’ve been putting into trying to make it happen seemed to be drowning in a river of doubt. What do I mean? I will explain in a moment, but before I do, let me make it clear that I still want to be a doctor.
Who knew prepping for something so long term could be so mentally exhausting; I am not even close to being half way through the journey. Some days, classes feel like torture. “What am I doing here,” is what I would think to myself almost every week in physics. It’s not like doctors sit around applying what they learned in general physics in order to treat a patient’s illness. Right now, it seems like my efforts are placed in what feels like a lost cause. I recall being in intro to sociology the second semester of freshman year and thinking how free I was. It was a nice feeling knowing that I shouldn’t take everything the professor said as fact, and that I was free the challenge everyone’s thoughts within reason. Gosh, what a thrill that was. I certainly want that feeling again.
The point is, I know what I want now versus what I need in order to get me to my end goal. The trouble is finding the proper common ground between the two. It would be a disappointment to my family, and to myself especially, to head towards a totally different route. For example, if I was to somehow decide that I want to be a archaeologist. Much respect to people who have that as a profession, but that’s not for me. I have my mind set on one thing and one thing only. For now, I’m going to have some fun.